Then when Judas, his betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he changed his mind and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” They said, “What is that to us? See to it yourself.” And throwing down the pieces of silver into the temple, he departed, and he went and hanged himself.
The law is an impersonal and harsh master. In the story of Judas, Judas came to those who represented the law perhaps looking for them to present justice, provide mercy, give him counsel, or reverse the consequences of his betrayal of Jesus. Whatever the case, they did not give him what he was looking for.* In fact, their response to him was an unfeeling rejection and condemnation based upon the law.
According to the law (Deuteronomy 19:16-21), a false witness was to receive the punishment that the false witness intended for their victim.* In the case of Judas and Jesus, this would mean that the Jewish leaders should have put Judas to death and released Jesus. This did not happen. Not only did they ignore his confession, allowing Jesus to continue to his death, but they told Judas to “see to it yourself.” They were telling him to enact justice himself… they told him to commit suicide.*
Death is quite serious as is suicide. Sadly, suicide is often the culmination of events that present a total lack of hope for the future. In the case of Judas, he could see no way forward; he could see no hope. While he might have expected a death sentence from the Jewish leaders, I doubt he expected to be told to take care of it himself. Though the Romans of the time saw suicide as an honorable way to die, Judas’s Jewish community would not seen it as honorable at all.*
I can only imagine the weight of the horror, devastation, guilt, shame, and torment that Judas carried in that moment as he realized the enormity of the sin that he committed in betraying Jesus. It’s painful to just imagine it. I have known guilt. I have known regret and remorse. I have known shame. I don’t believe that I have ever felt anything as heavy as what Judas felt.
I wonder what would have happened if Judas had just waited until Monday? What if he had heard that Jesus rose again? What if he ran into Jesus on the road to Emmaus or on the shore by the Sea of Galilee? What might have Jesus said? How might that have changed Judas’s perspective of himself and Jesus and the law? How might that have changed everything for him?
Maybe today you are carrying something as heavy as Judas’s load. Maybe you feel the weight of hopelessness, regret, guilt, or shame. Maybe suicide has entered your mind. Please hear this: there is hope ahead. Judas couldn’t see it, and maybe you are having trouble seeing it too, but hope is ahead.
Today, take a step.
Maybe today the one step God wants you to take is to bring your feelings to Him. Perhaps it’s time to have that conversation with God that you have been avoiding. Perhaps today God wants you to end your shame, regret, guilt, and remorse by handing it over to Him and receiving His forgiveness. Today, God wants you to choose life.
Whatever the step, ask God to direct it. Take a moment to take that step. Invite Him to speak. He will.
Life is a long road. Walk it with Jesus. Take a water break… we all get thirsty.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the suicide hotline for help by calling 988.
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*Leon, Morris, The Gospel According to Matthew. Pillar New Testament Commentary (Wm. B. Eerdmans, 1992), 691–698, and Keener, C. S., Matthew (Vol. 1, Mt Mt 27:1-10).) (InterVarsity Press, 1997).